I haven’t been writing a whole lot these past few weeks. And there are a few reasons for this to be honest. Most of which are personal, but what doesn’t help the situation at all is how exhaustingly miserable it is to exist on the internet right now.
Every time I open up social media or some news sites these days, I’m getting bombarded with some new controversy, drama or just people being torrid for no reason reason.
Reading about the utter circus that is the Trump regime in America has long since ceased to be funny, the complete selfishness of the man, along with horrible cult of personality that has sprung up since he came to power has opened up this can of worms where people suddenly feel empowered to act racist, sexist or otherwise just plain vile to one another, and they’re all just getting away with it.
It’s no better over here in the U.K. where I have lost all confidence in my own government to do just about anything. The ongoing national laughing stock that is the process of leaving Europe, and the fact that nobody can seem to pull together to get through what I believe was an bad decision for the future of this country in the first place. It’s draining.
Everything just seems to bad right now that even acts of good feel like nothing more than distractions. There are only so many cute animal videos I can watch before it all gets overshadowed by the ghastly shadow that is reality right now.
It really doesn’t help that my personal situation has made my life more difficult these past couple of months. I’ve recently changed jobs and the move isn’t sitting well with me. Going to work feels stressful all the time, full of pressure and unfamiliar faces. It’s the most isolated I’ve felt since moving out on my own.
I’m more aware than ever that I don’t really have any friends, and only a small group of family members I am close to. Feeling like this, sitting down and writing anything has felt like this sheer, insurmountable wall I can’t even begin to overcome. I don’t really know who to reach out to or even talk about how I’m feeling to right now. Which is guess why I feel desperate enough to just start writing this to get it off my chest.
I don’t want to be a burden on my family, especially considering we lost my grandmother suddenly last week, whose loss I seem unable to react to properly. Which adds to my worry that there’s something wrong with me, that I might be emotionally broken in some way. It’s a lot…
I’ve just been in a dark place these past few weeks, and things just seem to keep piling higher and higher on top. I’ve been struggling to find joy, to find value in anything this past month. Everything I do feels like a distraction, filling my time with meaningless things because I have nothing good to cling to. The internet, what used to be a bastion of people trying to connect and find value in their passions and interests has been lost to what feels like a constant game of one-upmanship.
We can’t go a full week without some horrible war crime, once loved game developers being thrown to the wolves or once loved celebrity being ripped to pieces because of the company they keep. We suddenly live in this world of black and white where everyone things there needs to be a defined right and wrong, and they’ll argue endlessly and pointlessly about it. The middle ground doesn’t seem to exist anymore, or it gets swamped in the din of extreme opinions.
I don’t feel like I can express an opinion anymore without someone saying I am a “*ist” or a “snowflake”. Living together isn’t hard, we’ve done it for years and years, why only now does it feel like everything is crumbling apart around us. Me sitting down and writing about anime or video games feels like such an inconsequential action these days that I’m struggling to find value in doing it. Which makes me feel all the worse considering its the only act in my life I really felt had any value these past few years.
I want to forge on, I believe this life is all we get, and we need to make the most of the time we have here, but I’m stuck in a place where I don’t feel like I can move forward, finding joy is something to share with others, but I’m so alone right now that even forcing myself outside feels hollow.
…Maybe I’m just letting the weight of the world get me down more than usual, or maybe the bleak reality is making me realise what I’ve been hiding from myself all along. I’m sorry for this mess, I just needed to get it off my chest, sitting alone for three days has been an almost as miserable a prospect of going back to work again tonight. I just need to pick myself up and keep going on, because nobody else out there is going to help me.